The battle map
War, what is it good for........absolutely nothing. Have you notice that since WWII we have a habit of selecting our battles. The main requirement is that it must be a third world country and it must be on the opposite side of the planet with no infrastructure. Examples are Korea, Vietnam and Afghanistan. I might also mention Iraq, but we had to pull out. The country was just too modern. That is what keeps us from invading Iran. They have to be wars that drain the wealth of America and accomplish nothing. That's funny because in the past wars were used to fill the national treasure. They must be a war with no end because (1984) War is Peace. Wars take on many purposes. Sometimes, there is a slip up. We left Afghanistan (Bush - Number Two) but Obama took us back. He didn't know we had been there in the first place.Statistics and photos from this site
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/United_States_of_America
America at War (Scorecard)
Current Wars
War on Terror.
War on Crime.
War on Drugs.
War on Rock music (just declared over).
Real Race War (it just begun).
Imperial Wars (just began as well)
Declared *cough*wins*cough*
Iraq, Afghanistan, 1812, Somalia, Bosnia, Kosovo, Haiti, East Timor and Cuba, Korea, Vietnam, Seminole Wars/Removal and soon Iraq or Afghanistan.
Wins - All Alone
It is worth noting that apart from some spear wielding tribesmen the USA has never won a war by itself:
Civil War (On Acid America vs. itself).
The Southern Strategy (the right wing of the formerly Northern Republicans).
Panama War of 1989 (It should be noted Panama wasn't prepared. It was a surprise attack by America).
Year of 2009 (America vs. Bush).
The second "Final solution" starting out with Obama first.
Pequot War.
Narragansett War.
Apache wars.
Cheyenne wars.
Sioux wars.
Cola wars.
Navajo wars.
Nez Perce wars.
Cherokee wars.
Cherokee removal.
Creek wars.
Creek Removal.
( notice a pattern? )
Chickasaw wars.
Chickasaw removal.
Choctaw wars.
Choctaw removal.
Iroquois wars.
Iroquois removal.
( pretty much all Native Americans to Oklahoma).
Okie removal (Dust bowl from Oklahoma).
1835 war with Mexico (Texas).
1848 war with Mexico (California).
Spanish American war, late 1890s.
The Philippines (conquest of native people).
Hawaii (another conquest of native people).
Puerto Rico (also another conquest of native people).
Alaska (Russians go home).
Louisiana (We are smarter than French people).
New York (we kicked out the Dutch). And old new york was once New Amsterdam.
War on west Africa to take slaves.
War on Korea to take sweat shop slaves.
Japanese American internment (removed from L.A....for awhile).
Zoot suit riots (Mexican Americans chased out of L.A....for awhile).
Race war I (1960s Civil Rights movement, including the L.A. riots of '65).
Race war II (1990s P.C. movement, including the L.A. riots of '92).
Wins - With Allies
Revolutionary War (America with the help of France vs. Britain, Britain was also fighting a lot of other countries at the time because was bored).
World War I (after turning up late)
World War II (after turning up late yet again)
(Editor's Note): It seems the author was suffering from syphillis-related insanity considering that he/she (most likely a she given the utter lack of reasoning) believes The Allies won with "late" help (if you can call entering the war for 4 years 'late') of America. In truth the Allies mainly consisted of more competent-intact or exiled-Eastern European forces (compared to the rest of free Eur...whoops), while the heathen's only contributing state was a bombed out and depleted Britain. Oh and parts of Eastasia.
Gulf War (America some allies and the blessing of UN vs. Iraq).
Ties
Korean War, 1950s (America vs. Chinese commies).
Canada-America war, 1830s (over the Michigan peninsulas).
World Series, 2008 (Phillies think they won the title).
Proxy Wars
Afghanistan war, 1980s (when we funded al-Qaeda).
Indonesia, 1970s.
Zaire, 1960s.
The Congo, 1900s.
Turkey, 1970s (ending the ottoman empire).
India, 1980s (ending the largest democracy).
Iraq, 1950s.
Iraq, 1970s.
Iraq-Iran war, 1980s. (When the US supported both sides ... a sure bet!).
Future Iraq-Iran war (Unlikely know war-monger Bush has gone).
Cuba, 1950s.
Iran, 1950s-70s.
Argentina (and the Falkland Islands, the British did the fighting and the Yanks do sod all).
Chile (To "free" a country by implanting a dictator).
Guatemala, El Salvador and Nicaragua.
China vs. Japan, 1930s.
Taiwan vs. Japan, 1940s.
North vs. South Korea, 1950s.
East vs. West Germany, 1960s.
just about every other damn country on the planet.
Quebec (and Acadia, the Canadians did the fighting).
Losses
Greece (America vs. Sparta).
Civil War (America vs. itself).
Vietnam War (America vs. Vietcong).
Haiti (America vs. nobody really).
FAIL
War on poverty (JFK-LBJ's folly).
War on illegal immigration.
Unreal Wars
Cold War (No one's win. Commies realized the inherent paradox of communism).
British-American war, 1930s (when FDR and Churchhill pansy slapped each other).
Mexican-American war (the Border must be defended, right?)
War for god (true).
War for oil (very true).
Wars America Is in the Process of Starting
Iranian War (America vs. Persian Empire, or one of the longest continuous civilisations in human history).
Civil War II (the culture war) - The Southern "Red states" versus the Northern/East Coast/West Coast/Fourth Coast "Blue states".
World War III (December 12, 2012) - America vs. every nation on Earth.
Wars America Is in the Process of Losing
Iraq War (America vs. yet another innocent country invaded by a President in a bid to get re-elected).
Canadian invasion of the USA (our bestest friends...eh?).
Mexican invasion of the USA (ongoing since 1776).
British invasion of the USA (the UK doesn't give a flying fig about the 13 colonies).
Portugese invasion of the USA (because most Americans haven't heard of the country Portugal).
French invasion of the USA (our oldest ally...hates us).
German invasion of the USA (neo-Nazis rise to power in Germany).
Russian invasion of the USA (the Russkies want Alaska back).
Japanese invasion of the USA (for building better cars).
Chinese invasion of the USA (absolutely, they outnumber us 4 to 1).
Muslim invasion of the USA (this time the Al-Quaida will convert us).
Indian invasion of the USA (they outnumber us 3 to 1).
African invasion of the USA (Nigeria wants to stop us from getting our greedy hands on their oil).
Polish invasion of the USA (why not?).
Italian invasion of the USA (In revenge for Mussolini's defeat).
Vietnamese invasion (fight them in revenge for getting our asses whipped first time around).
(Principality of) Monacoan invasion of the USA (they're pissed off at the US for getting more tourism than they do).
Coming soon...
Icelandic invasion (they'll butcher us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
The rise of the machines prophecied in The Terminator movies.
Revolt of the blue states (outdated prediction).
Secession of 30 to 40 US states (Civil war '10).
Reconquista! The Mexico way, VIVA LA RAZA!
Grey Alien invasion. (Dec. 21, 2012).
It is also a well known fact that America can't win a war without the British helping them:
World War One-OK, yeah. I meean, sure, they were on the winning side...
World War Two-Hollywood cannot rewrite history. The British won that, too.
War of Independence-Well, that doesn't count, does it? The British just got bored.
See Also
'Nam-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! AMERICA LOST!!!!!!!!!
Civil War-They lost anyway you look at it...
America at War (Scorecard)
Current Wars
War on Terror.
War on Crime.
War on Drugs.
War on Rock music (just declared over).
Real Race War (it just begun).
Imperial Wars (just began as well)
Declared *cough*wins*cough*
Iraq, Afghanistan, 1812, Somalia, Bosnia, Kosovo, Haiti, East Timor and Cuba, Korea, Vietnam, Seminole Wars/Removal and soon Iraq or Afghanistan.
Wins - All Alone
It is worth noting that apart from some spear wielding tribesmen the USA has never won a war by itself:
Civil War (On Acid America vs. itself).
The Southern Strategy (the right wing of the formerly Northern Republicans).
Panama War of 1989 (It should be noted Panama wasn't prepared. It was a surprise attack by America).
Year of 2009 (America vs. Bush).
The second "Final solution" starting out with Obama first.
Pequot War.
Narragansett War.
Apache wars.
Cheyenne wars.
Sioux wars.
Cola wars.
Navajo wars.
Nez Perce wars.
Cherokee wars.
Cherokee removal.
Creek wars.
Creek Removal.
( notice a pattern? )
Chickasaw wars.
Chickasaw removal.
Choctaw wars.
Choctaw removal.
Iroquois wars.
Iroquois removal.
( pretty much all Native Americans to Oklahoma).
Okie removal (Dust bowl from Oklahoma).
1835 war with Mexico (Texas).
1848 war with Mexico (California).
Spanish American war, late 1890s.
The Philippines (conquest of native people).
Hawaii (another conquest of native people).
Puerto Rico (also another conquest of native people).
Alaska (Russians go home).
Louisiana (We are smarter than French people).
New York (we kicked out the Dutch). And old new york was once New Amsterdam.
War on west Africa to take slaves.
War on Korea to take sweat shop slaves.
Japanese American internment (removed from L.A....for awhile).
Zoot suit riots (Mexican Americans chased out of L.A....for awhile).
Race war I (1960s Civil Rights movement, including the L.A. riots of '65).
Race war II (1990s P.C. movement, including the L.A. riots of '92).
Wins - With Allies
Revolutionary War (America with the help of France vs. Britain, Britain was also fighting a lot of other countries at the time because was bored).
World War I (after turning up late)
World War II (after turning up late yet again)
(Editor's Note): It seems the author was suffering from syphillis-related insanity considering that he/she (most likely a she given the utter lack of reasoning) believes The Allies won with "late" help (if you can call entering the war for 4 years 'late') of America. In truth the Allies mainly consisted of more competent-intact or exiled-Eastern European forces (compared to the rest of free Eur...whoops), while the heathen's only contributing state was a bombed out and depleted Britain. Oh and parts of Eastasia.
Gulf War (America some allies and the blessing of UN vs. Iraq).
Ties
Korean War, 1950s (America vs. Chinese commies).
Canada-America war, 1830s (over the Michigan peninsulas).
World Series, 2008 (Phillies think they won the title).
Proxy Wars
Afghanistan war, 1980s (when we funded al-Qaeda).
Indonesia, 1970s.
Zaire, 1960s.
The Congo, 1900s.
Turkey, 1970s (ending the ottoman empire).
India, 1980s (ending the largest democracy).
Iraq, 1950s.
Iraq, 1970s.
Iraq-Iran war, 1980s. (When the US supported both sides ... a sure bet!).
Future Iraq-Iran war (Unlikely know war-monger Bush has gone).
Cuba, 1950s.
Iran, 1950s-70s.
Argentina (and the Falkland Islands, the British did the fighting and the Yanks do sod all).
Chile (To "free" a country by implanting a dictator).
Guatemala, El Salvador and Nicaragua.
China vs. Japan, 1930s.
Taiwan vs. Japan, 1940s.
North vs. South Korea, 1950s.
East vs. West Germany, 1960s.
just about every other damn country on the planet.
Quebec (and Acadia, the Canadians did the fighting).
Losses
Greece (America vs. Sparta).
Civil War (America vs. itself).
Vietnam War (America vs. Vietcong).
Haiti (America vs. nobody really).
FAIL
War on poverty (JFK-LBJ's folly).
War on illegal immigration.
Unreal Wars
Cold War (No one's win. Commies realized the inherent paradox of communism).
British-American war, 1930s (when FDR and Churchhill pansy slapped each other).
Mexican-American war (the Border must be defended, right?)
War for god (true).
War for oil (very true).
Wars America Is in the Process of Starting
Iranian War (America vs. Persian Empire, or one of the longest continuous civilisations in human history).
Civil War II (the culture war) - The Southern "Red states" versus the Northern/East Coast/West Coast/Fourth Coast "Blue states".
World War III (December 12, 2012) - America vs. every nation on Earth.
Wars America Is in the Process of Losing
Iraq War (America vs. yet another innocent country invaded by a President in a bid to get re-elected).
Canadian invasion of the USA (our bestest friends...eh?).
Mexican invasion of the USA (ongoing since 1776).
British invasion of the USA (the UK doesn't give a flying fig about the 13 colonies).
Portugese invasion of the USA (because most Americans haven't heard of the country Portugal).
French invasion of the USA (our oldest ally...hates us).
German invasion of the USA (neo-Nazis rise to power in Germany).
Russian invasion of the USA (the Russkies want Alaska back).
Japanese invasion of the USA (for building better cars).
Chinese invasion of the USA (absolutely, they outnumber us 4 to 1).
Muslim invasion of the USA (this time the Al-Quaida will convert us).
Indian invasion of the USA (they outnumber us 3 to 1).
African invasion of the USA (Nigeria wants to stop us from getting our greedy hands on their oil).
Polish invasion of the USA (why not?).
Italian invasion of the USA (In revenge for Mussolini's defeat).
Vietnamese invasion (fight them in revenge for getting our asses whipped first time around).
(Principality of) Monacoan invasion of the USA (they're pissed off at the US for getting more tourism than they do).
Coming soon...
Icelandic invasion (they'll butcher us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
The rise of the machines prophecied in The Terminator movies.
Revolt of the blue states (outdated prediction).
Secession of 30 to 40 US states (Civil war '10).
Reconquista! The Mexico way, VIVA LA RAZA!
Grey Alien invasion. (Dec. 21, 2012).
It is also a well known fact that America can't win a war without the British helping them:
World War One-OK, yeah. I meean, sure, they were on the winning side...
World War Two-Hollywood cannot rewrite history. The British won that, too.
War of Independence-Well, that doesn't count, does it? The British just got bored.
See Also
'Nam-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! AMERICA LOST!!!!!!!!!
Civil War-They lost anyway you look at it...
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